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But What If He Changes?

Updated: Sep 18, 2023

A bride and groom came to see me recently about the possibility of performing their wedding ceremony. As a cantor who officiates Jewish wedding ceremonies, I love meeting couples and not only discussing the “basics”. Like the flow of the wedding ceremony , the presenting of the ketubah , the explanation of a Huppa etc. I really enjoy speaking with brides and grooms about marriage and how to set them up for success. Jewish wedding Rabbi and Cantors get to be a part of a couple’s incredible moment - when they commit to loving and respecting each other forever.


My bride and groom said to me as we met - what if one of us changes during the marriage ?


The Jewish word typically related to Jewish law is Halacha - which has the root word to go or to move. The world progresses. Things change. Teslas are now common whereas electric cars weren’t on the radar 20 years ago. Is it not the same with people and relationships ? The person you marry today will be different in 20 years and your relationship will evolve. You will have ups and downs financially and with health. You will welcome children and have baby naming ceremonies with family as well as bar or bat mitzvah ceremonies.


Life events that are memorable and meaningful. But it’s typically normal to conceive that people will change somewhat throughout a marriage. What shouldn’t change is your core essence or values. Your ability to be kind , empathetic and caring towards your spouse. If you bring your wife coffee today , why wouldn’t you bring it to her 40 years from now. Don’t fear change - change will happen. Just make sure that you are marrying a kind and caring person who will still be with you when you have two kids and you get fired and doesn’t run for the hills but one who will put her head together with yours and strategize how to replace that income. Team work makes the dream work !


One of the best part of being a Cantor is that I learned so much wisdom from rabbis that I had the pleasure of working with who helped show me that marrying brides and grooms was such an honor and so joyful and satisfying. And it’s not just the speaking and singing at a wedding ceremony, it’s the relationship building that occurs between me and the bride and groom. I’m not transactional by nature, and I do stay in touch with so many of the brides and grooms that I have married.


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