Blame Is Like a Backpack of Rocks: How Jay and Toya Taught Me the Power of Ownership

Blame is like carrying a backpack full of rocks.

Every time something goes wrong and you say, “It’s not my fault, it’s theirs,” you toss another stone in. At first, it feels light. But over time? You cannot move forward. You are crushed by the weight of excuses.

Successful people do the opposite. They empty the backpack. They say, “I own this. I will fix it.” And suddenly, they are free to move, grow, and win.

This lesson is not only something I teach in CoolCantor’s online programs. It is something I witness in real life—at milestones, ceremonies, and sacred moments.

Let me tell you the story of Jay and Toya, a Jewish couple from Toronto whose Jewish wedding I had the honor to officiate.

A Jewish Wedding in Toronto That Modeled Ownership

When Jay and Toya began planning their Jewish wedding Toronto was buzzing with options. They had to choose a Jewish wedding venue, decide on Jewish wedding music, and find the right Jewish wedding photographer to capture it all. Like every couple, they faced challenges.

The Jewish wedding invitations they ordered came back with a misprint. The Jewish wedding decorations they envisioned did not match what the florist had delivered. And even on the morning of the big day, the weather threatened to push their Jewish wedding ceremony indoors.

But here is what impressed me: Jay and Toya did not play the blame game. They did not point fingers at vendors, family, or circumstance. Instead, they looked at each challenge with clear eyes and asked, “What can we do right now to move forward?”

That mindset of ownership transformed their wedding. The chuppah was set up with care. The Jewish wedding ketubah was signed with love. And when the hora began, the joy in their Jewish wedding reception was electric. Everyone could feel it—this was a couple who did not carry the backpack of blame. They carried the torch of accountability.

Why This Story Matters

It is tempting to look at success—whether in marriage, career, or personal growth—and assume it comes from talent, luck, or perfect circumstances. But the truth is simpler: success belongs to those who take ownership.

Judaism teaches this lesson in countless ways. The Jewish wedding rituals themselves reflect responsibility. Signing the ketubah is not just a custom—it is a declaration of commitment. Standing under the Jewish wedding chuppah is not just symbolic—it is a pledge to take responsibility for one another.

The same is true in every Jewish wedding tradition, from the vows to the Jewish wedding dance. Each moment is an opportunity to say, “I choose to own this relationship, to nurture it, to carry it with care.”

Jay and Toya’s Jewish wedding services showed me that ownership is not about being perfect. It is about showing up, adjusting, and continuing forward.

A Life Coaching Analogy

Think of blame like adding rocks to your backpack. One rock does not feel heavy. But add a few more, and soon you cannot walk.

Ownership is the opposite. Every time you take responsibility, you remove a rock. You feel lighter. You move faster. You create space for growth.

This is what I teach at CoolCantor. Whether in Bar Mitzvah lessons, Bat Mitzvah lessons, or my Life Mastery Course, I train students to put the backpack down. To own their mistakes, fix them, and move forward stronger.

Just as Jay and Toya did in their wedding journey, my students learn that blame only slows you down. Ownership speeds you up.

A Real-Life Example from CoolCantor

One of my students forgot an important line during his Torah portion coaching. At first, he wanted to say, “It is not my fault. The text is hard. I was distracted.”

But instead, he remembered our lesson: no rocks in the backpack. He took responsibility. He said, “I did not practice enough this week. I will double my review tomorrow.”

And he did. At his Bar Mitzvah, he chanted with strength and confidence. Everyone in the room could feel the ownership he had built.

That is what CoolCantor Hebrew School is about. Not just Hebrew education or teaching students to learn Hebrew language. It is about building leaders who step up and own their actions.

The Cycle of Jewish Life: From Weddings to Baby Namings

Jay and Toya’s story did not end at their wedding. Months later, I was invited back to officiate their baby naming ceremony. The Jewish baby naming tradition is one of the most meaningful Jewish newborn ceremonies. It is a moment of joy, responsibility, and legacy.

As their Jewish baby naming officiant, I guided them through Jewish baby naming rituals that celebrated both tradition and their unique family story. We planned the Jewish baby naming celebration with care, from the baby naming ceremony music to the baby naming reception.

Once again, Jay and Toya showed ownership. They embraced the responsibility of parenthood with open hearts. And they taught their child, from the very beginning, that accountability is a gift you pass from one generation to the next.

Your Challenge This Week

Here are three ways to put this lesson into practice:

1. Catch Yourself Blaming

Notice the next time you say, “It’s not my fault.” Pause. Ask yourself: what part of this situation can I own?

2. Teach Ownership to Your Children

When your child forgets their homework or misses a shot, do not pile on blame. Instead, ask: “What can you do differently next time?”

3. Model It in Your Own Life

Show your children how you take responsibility in your work, relationships, and daily life. They will learn more from your actions than from your words.

Final Thought

Blame is like carrying a backpack full of rocks. The more you fill it, the slower you move. Ownership is the act of setting it down.

Jay and Toya’s Jewish wedding in Toronto taught me that accountability transforms not only a wedding ceremony, but a marriage, a family, and a life. Their Jewish wedding celebrations, from the ketubah signing to the hora, reflected a deep commitment to responsibility and love.

Later, at their baby naming ceremony Jewish traditions reminded us all that responsibility is not a burden, but a blessing. It is how we raise children, strengthen families, and build communities.

I was mentored by a great Jewish wedding Rabbi, who taught me the importance of blending Jewish wedding customs with personal meaning. I am not a Rabbi. I am a Cantor, and I consider it the greatest privilege to serve as a Jewish wedding officiant, a Jewish wedding cantor, and a guide for families through Jewish newborn ceremonies.

So I leave you with this: what rocks are in your backpack right now? And when will you choose to set them down?

Ben