Why I Teach Kids to Lead—Not Perform: A Lesson from Andy and Mel’s Jewish Wedding

Hi, I’m Cantor Ben—and today I want to share a truth that might make you pause.

Most parents say they want their kids to be happy, resilient, and confident.

But then—without realizing it—they raise them to live for approval.

Approval from teachers. From coaches. From friends. From social media likes. From college acceptance letters.

But when your happiness depends on other people’s responses, you’re building a house on sand.

I see it every day, not just in my Bar and Bat Mitzvah

coaching through CoolCantor—but even more powerfully in the beautiful,

emotional Jewish wedding ceremonies I’m honoured to officiate.

Let me tell you a story.

⸻

A Moment from Andy and Mel’s Jewish Wedding in Toronto

Andy and Mel are a couple from Toronto I had the joy of

getting to know last year. When they reached out to me, they weren’t

looking for just any Jewish Wedding Officiant. They wanted someone who

would get to know them deeply, guide them through every Jewish Wedding

Tradition with care, and create a ceremony that reflected who they

were—not who the world expected them to be.

From the start, I saw something rare in them: a deep love built not on performance, but presence.

They weren’t trying to impress anyone. Not with their

Jewish Wedding Venue. Not with their Jewish Wedding Decorations or

attire. They simply wanted to create a Jewish Wedding Ceremony that was

personal, sacred, and emotionally real.

We sat down together and talked through every detail—from

the Jewish Wedding Vows they would write, to the meaning of their Jewish

 Wedding Ketubah, to the joy they hoped to bring their guests through

traditional Jewish Wedding Music and the spirited Jewish Wedding Hora.

But the most touching part?

Andy said, “We want to raise kids who don’t need to prove anything. Just kids who know they’re enough—without applause.”

That statement stopped me cold.

Because it echoed exactly what I teach in my Bar and Bat Mitzvah mentorship every day.

⸻

Why This Story Matters

When we create Jewish Wedding Services that honour

authenticity, not performance, we plant the seeds for Jewish Baby Naming

 Services, for Jewish newborn ceremonies, for generations that are free.

At their wedding, under a glowing Jewish Wedding Chuppah,

Andy and Mel promised not just to love each other—but to build a family

that values truth over perfection.

And that begins with how we raise our kids.

In my work, whether preparing students for a Bar Mitzvah

or coaching them through the emotional weight of a Torah portion, I’ve

seen firsthand what expectation can do.

Expectation whispers, “Be perfect or you’re not enough.”

But tradition whispers, “You already are.”

⸻

The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Parallel

In my online Bar and Bat Mitzvah lessons, I always begin with this question: “Who do you want to become?”

Not, “What will your guests think?”

Not, “How polished will your chanting be?”

But, “What kind of person do you want to be when the microphone is off?”

Whether it’s preparing a child for their Bar Mitzvah or

working with adults returning to Jewish tradition, I weave these values

into everything I teach.

And I’ve learned that expectations are the enemy of peace.

Kids who live to impress others burn out.

Kids who are empowered to lead from within? They flourish.

That’s why I help them detach from outside approval and build confidence from the inside out.

⸻

Jewish Wisdom Meets Life Coaching

The Talmud teaches, “Who is rich? One who is happy with what they have.”

Not what they achieve.

Not what others say about them.

But what they know about themselves.

That’s the foundation of every ceremony I craft—whether

it’s a Jewish Wedding Celebration or a Jewish Baby Naming Tradition.

It’s not about how elaborate the Jewish Wedding Reception is, or which

Jewish Wedding Photographer captures it. It’s about what the couple

stands for. What kind of legacy they hope to leave.

Andy and Mel made this clear from day one. And when I see

their faces light up now, months after the wedding, it’s because they’ve

 stayed anchored in those values.

And yes—they’ve already asked me to officiate their

upcoming Jewish Baby Naming Ceremony for their newborn. It will include

traditional Jewish Baby Naming Rituals, heartfelt blessings, and music

that welcomes their little one into a circle of unconditional love.

⸻

Real Life Application: What You Can Do Today

So, what does this have to do with you?

If you’re a parent—or hope to be one—here are three questions to reflect on:

1.    Are you raising your child to chase approval or develop authenticity?

2.    Do your family celebrations emphasize perfection or presence?

3.    When you imagine your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah, wedding, or baby naming—are you centering performance… or connection?

⸻

Your Challenge This Week

1.    Compliment your child

without tying it to achievement. Instead of, “You did great on that

test,” try “I love how curious you are.”

2.    Choose a moment of imperfection to celebrate. Burnt dinner? Late carpool? Use it to laugh, breathe, and model grace.

3.    Share a story from your life when approval let you down—but authenticity lifted you up. Our kids become what we model.

⸻

Final Thought

Andy and Mel’s Traditional Jewish Wedding wasn’t the

flashiest. But it was one of the most deeply rooted Modern Jewish

Weddings I’ve ever had the privilege to officiate.

Why?

Because they knew what mattered.

And that’s what I hope for every child I work with, every

couple I marry, and every family I bless in a Baby Naming Ceremony

Jewish families will remember for generations.

I was mentored by a great Jewish wedding Rabbi, and

everything I do today as a Jewish Wedding Cantor is rooted in his

teachings—but adapted for modern couples who crave meaning more than

spectacle.

If you want your child to stop waiting on the world—and start leading in it…

If you want your family celebrations to reflect values, not just visuals…

Let’s connect.

I’d be honoured to stand under the chuppah with you.

Thanks,

Ben