When “Trust Your Gut” Gets It Wrong: What Jewish Wisdom Teaches About EmotionalIntelligence

By Cantor Ben

We teach kids to trust their gut.

To go with their instinct.

To listen to their feelings.

That’s not bad advice.

But what if I told you—your gut sometimes lies?

Let me paint a picture.

Your daughter plans her birthday for weeks. Invites her closest friends. Puts thought into the

cake, the playlist, the decorations. But one friend—her best friend—doesn’t show up. No

message. No explanation. Just silence.

She’s crushed. She says to you, “I guess I don’t matter to her.”

And your heart breaks a little for her. Because you remember that feeling too.

But what if…

That friend was having an anxiety attack?

Or their parents fought right before the party?

Or they didn’t know how to say, “I can’t come. I feel overwhelmed.”?

What your child assumed was rejection…

May have actually been a moment of pain that wasn’t even about her.

That’s the risk of only trusting your gut.

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The Wedding That Reminded Me to Pause Before Judging

I’ll never forget the first time I met Marni and Todd, a wonderful Jewish couple from Toronto. We were planning their Jewish wedding ceremony, and from our first meeting, I knew I was in the presence of two people who understood what it meant to build a marriage on empathy, patience, and understanding.

As their Jewish wedding officiant, I had the privilege of walking with them through every detail: from their Jewish wedding traditions, like signing the ketubah, to the chuppah under which they’d say their vows. They wanted a blend of traditional Jewish wedding rituals and modern Jewish wedding elements that reflected their personalities.

But there was a moment during planning when something shifted. A miscommunication

between two family members caused tension. Words were misinterpreted. Feelings were hurt.

I remember Marni saying, “Why would they say that? Don’t they care about us?”

And I gently asked, “What else could be going on here?”

That question—“What else could be going on here?”—became a grounding force for their entire process.

They leaned into that mindset with grace. And by the time we got to their Jewish wedding

celebration, under a beautifully decorated chuppah, with family singing and dancing the hora, the air was filled not just with love—but with maturity. With understanding. With strength.

That’s the kind of legacy I want every couple to start their journey with.

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Emotional Intelligence: The Wedding Gift That Keeps Giving

The truth is, every strong marriage, every lifelong friendship, every good business

partnership—requires more than love. It requires the willingness to pause before assuming the worst.

It requires emotional intelligence.

It means not jumping to conclusions.

It means asking questions instead of building walls.

It means staying curious when your gut says, “Be offended.”

It’s not instinctive. It’s learned.

And that’s why I bring the same mindset I use in Jewish wedding services into my broader work as a life coach and educator.

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Teaching This to the Next Generation: Beyond the Chuppah

After officiating Marni and Todd’s wedding, I was invited back to lead their baby naming

ceremony—a beautiful, sacred Jewish newborn ceremony that introduced their daughter to her name, her people, and her purpose.

As a Jewish baby naming officiant, I always remind parents:

“Your child’s name is the first blessing.

How you raise them is the second.”

We blessed their daughter with the hope that she’d grow up kind, wise, and courageous. And I added one more prayer that day:

That she would grow up to ask, before assuming.

To care, before condemning.

To listen, before judging.

This is what we should be praying over every child—not just a long life, but a life filled with

grace for others.

That’s the mission behind my ceremonies. Whether I’m facilitating a Jewish baby naming

tradition, helping families plan a Jewish baby naming reception, or sending out Jewish baby

naming invitations, it’s never about the pageantry. It’s about the values.

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From Gut Reaction to Growth: A Message to Every Parent

If your child comes home hurt because of something that seems like rejection…

Before you offer them comfort—offer them clarity.

Ask:

“What else could be going on here?”

“Could there be another explanation?”

“Is it possible this wasn’t personal?”

When we model this, our children learn it.

And that’s not just kindness. That’s leadership.

At CoolCantor, whether I’m guiding a Bar or Bat Mitzvah student, preparing a couple for a

traditional Jewish wedding, or celebrating with families during Jewish baby naming ceremonies, the core teaching is the same:

�� Be curious. Not quick to judge.

�� Be strong enough to ask.

�� Be gentle enough to forgive.