What Should We Tell Our Jewish Wedding Officiant About Our Relationship Before the Wedding?

One of the most important conversations I have with a couple before their Jewish wedding has nothing to do with flowers, timing, seating, or even the order of the ceremony.

I want to know about them.

When I met Max and Sue, a wonderful Jewish couple from Toronto whose wedding I had the privilege of officiating, I did not want to create a Jewish Wedding Ceremony that could have belonged to any couple.

I wanted their guests to listen and think:

“That is Max and Sue.”

That is the difference between a ceremony that is simply conducted and a ceremony that is remembered.

So what should you tell your Jewish Wedding Officiant before the wedding?

More than you might think.

Tell Me What You Actually Love Doing Together

One of the first things I like to ask couples is:

“What do you love doing together?”

And I mean both sides of your life.

What do you enjoy when you go out?

Restaurants?

Travel?

Concerts?

Sports?

Long walks?

Trying new places?

But I also want to know what you enjoy when nobody else is watching.

Maybe you love cooking together.

Maybe your perfect Saturday night is takeout and television.

Maybe you sit for hours talking.

Maybe one of you reads while the other works nearby.

Why do I care about those details?

Because marriage is not built only during extraordinary vacations and expensive dinners.

Marriage is mostly built in ordinary moments.

That is where psychology becomes important.

Strong relationships are often created through repeated small moments of attention, humour, trust, affection, and companionship.

When I understand how Max and Sue actually enjoy being together, I can speak about their relationship in a way that feels real.

Tell Me What You Most Admire About Each Other

Another question I ask is:

“What qualities and attributes do you most admire in your partner?”

This is one of my favourite questions.

People may tell me their partner is compassionate.

Loyal.

Funny.

Generous.

Patient.

Driven.

Calm under pressure.

Protective of family.

Someone who always shows up.

These answers tell me something deeper than what the couple likes doing.

They tell me why the relationship works.

Jewish wisdom teaches us that character matters enormously.

A marriage is not sustained simply by attraction.

It is sustained by how two people treat each other when life becomes inconvenient, stressful, disappointing, or difficult.

When Max told me what he admired about Sue, and Sue told me what she admired about Max, I could begin building a speech around the qualities they had actually experienced in one another.

That becomes far more meaningful than giving a generic talk about marriage.

Tell Me What You Truly Love About Each Other

Then I ask an even more direct question.

“What do you truly, truly love about this person?”

Sometimes couples answer immediately.

Sometimes they pause.

That pause is often beautiful.

Because suddenly they are not discussing the Jewish Wedding Venue, Jewish Wedding Photographer, Jewish Wedding Decorations, Jewish Wedding Invitations, or Jewish Wedding Attire.

They are thinking about why this person matters so much to them.

That is what I want.

I want to get beneath the logistics.

The wedding is one day. I am interested in the relationship that is supposed to last long after it.

The answers may be romantic.

They may be funny.

They may be surprisingly simple.

But they give me the emotional material I need to create something personal.

Tell Me Why You Are Choosing To Marry Each Other

This may be the most important question of all.

Why marriage?

Why this person?

Why now?

You can love someone without marrying them.

You can enjoy spending time together without marrying them.

So what makes this relationship worthy of this commitment?

This is where my work as a certified Life Coach influences the Jewish Wedding Services I provide.

I listen for what the couple is building.

Trust.

Partnership.

Safety.

Friendship.

Shared values.

Family.

A future.

I do not want to sermonize about the Weekly Torah Portion during the ceremony.

That is not my approach.

Instead, I take what the couple shares and weave in meaningful Jewish wisdom, psychology, and practical life coaching ideas that support their actual relationship.

The wisdom serves the couple. The couple does not become an excuse for a lecture.

This Is How A Personalized Jewish Wedding Is Created

When Max and Sue answered these questions, I was gathering the pieces of their story.

Then I shaped those pieces into a speech that was heartfelt, inspirational, moving, motivational, and personal.

I want guests to laugh when something is funny.

I want them to reflect.

I want them to feel the love between the couple.

And I want Max and Sue to hear words that make them think:

“He understands us.”

That is what personalization means to me.

It is not simply changing two names in a standard script.

Traditional Jewish Weddings Can Still Feel Completely Personal

I love Jewish Wedding Traditions.

The Jewish Wedding Chuppah.

The Jewish Wedding Ketubah.

The wine.

The rings.

The blessings.

The breaking of the glass.

These Jewish Wedding Rituals and Jewish Wedding Customs connect couples with generations of Jewish history.

But Traditional Jewish Weddings do not have to feel impersonal.

Modern Jewish Weddings allow us to preserve those traditions while surrounding them with storytelling, explanation, warmth, and personality.

That is where my approach comes in.

I was mentored by a great Jewish wedding Rabbi.

Today, my own work combines my role as a Jewish Wedding Cantor, licensed Ontario wedding officiant, singer, storyteller, public speaker, and certified Life Coach.

Each role contributes something different to the ceremony.

As a Cantor, I bring Jewish tradition and Jewish Wedding Music.

As a storyteller, I bring the couple’s relationship to life.

As a public speaker, I understand pacing and emotion.

As a Life Coach, I listen for the values, lessons, and relationship patterns inside what the couple tells me.

The result should feel like a ceremony that could not simply be handed to the next couple.

What If We Do Not Want To Exchange Personal Vows?

That is perfectly fine.

Most of the couples I marry do not exchange personal Jewish Wedding Vows.

They are not traditionally required as part of the Jewish wedding.

If a couple wants to include them, I permit it.

But the questions I ask give us a beautiful alternative.

You tell me what you love.

You tell me what you admire.

You tell me why you are choosing each other.

Then I can transform those thoughts into part of your ceremony.

You get to experience the moment without worrying about performing your feelings in front of everyone you know.

Why This Conversation Matters More Than Many Wedding Details

Jewish Wedding Planning can become overwhelming.

There is food.

Jewish Wedding Music.

Photography.

Jewish Wedding Decorations.

The Jewish Wedding Reception.

The Jewish Wedding Hora.

Jewish Wedding Dance.

And countless other Jewish Wedding Celebrations.

All of those details matter.

But ten years later, guests may not remember the table linens.

They may remember a story.

They may remember laughing.

They may remember Max looking at Sue while I spoke about something he had told me privately.

They may remember feeling that they were witnessing something authentic.

People remember how a ceremony made them feel.

Sometimes I Get To Continue The Family Story

One of the greatest privileges of officiating weddings is sometimes hearing from couples again as their families grow.

They may contact me about a Baby naming ceremony or ask how a Baby naming ceremony Jewish tradition can be made personal.

I also provide Jewish Baby Naming Services, Jewish Baby Naming Rituals, a Jewish Newborn Ceremony, other Jewish newborn ceremonies, and serve as a Jewish Baby Naming Officiant.

Families may want help with Jewish Baby Naming Tradition, Jewish Baby Naming Celebration, Jewish Baby Naming Ceremony Planning, a Jewish Baby Naming Invitation, Jewish Baby Naming Ceremony Music, or a Jewish Baby Naming Reception.

There is something beautiful about beginning with a wedding and later being invited into another Jewish family milestone.

What Should You Tell Me Before Your Wedding?

Tell me who you are when the photographer is not there.

Tell me what you love doing on an ordinary Tuesday night.

Tell me what you admire about your partner.

Tell me what makes you laugh.

Tell me what makes this person different from anyone else.

Tell me why you are choosing marriage.

Tell me what kind of life you want to build together.

If you are planning a Jewish Wedding Toronto celebration and want a ceremony that sounds like you rather than a template, reach out to me.

I do not need perfect answers.

I need honest ones.

Because Max and Sue did not need a generic Jewish Wedding Ceremony.

They needed their ceremony.

And that is what every couple deserves.

Your relationship already contains the material for a beautiful wedding ceremony. My job is to listen carefully enough to find it and then turn it into words your guests will never forget.