Do We Have To Write Our Own Vows for a Jewish Wedding?

One of the questions I sometimes hear from couples planning their Jewish wedding is:

“Cantor Ben, do we have to write our own vows?”

Usually there is another question hiding underneath it:

“Are you going to make me stand in front of 150 people and give a speech about my feelings?”

If that thought terrifies you, I have good news.

No.

In most of the Jewish weddings I officiate, the couple does not exchange personal vows.

Writing and reciting personal Jewish Wedding Vows is not traditionally a required part of a Jewish Wedding Ceremony. If a couple really wants to include personal vows, I will permit it.

But I have developed another approach that I believe can create something even more personal without forcing either person to become a public speaker.

That is exactly what I did when I officiated the wedding of Max and Molly, a wonderful Jewish couple from Toronto.

You Do Not Need To Perform Your Love

There is enormous pressure surrounding Modern Jewish Weddings.

Couples see emotional wedding videos online and suddenly believe they are supposed to stand beneath the Jewish Wedding Chuppah and deliver perfectly written declarations of love.

Some people love that idea.

Others absolutely hate it.

They may deeply love their partner but freeze when speaking publicly.

Or they worry:

“What if I cry?”

“What if I forget what I wanted to say?”

“What if my partner writes something incredible and mine sounds terrible?”

Here is what I tell couples:

Your ability to write and deliver a beautiful speech has absolutely nothing to do with the depth of your love.

You are getting married.

You are not auditioning.

Personal Vows Are Not A Traditional Requirement

Traditional Jewish Weddings already contain extraordinarily meaningful Jewish Wedding Rituals, Jewish Wedding Traditions, and Jewish Wedding Customs.

There is the Jewish Wedding Ketubah.

The wine.

The rings.

The blessings.

The Jewish Wedding Chuppah.

The breaking of the glass.

These traditions have connected Jewish couples across generations.

Personal vows as many couples imagine them today are more commonly associated with contemporary wedding culture.

That does not mean there is anything wrong with including them in Modern Jewish Weddings.

If Max and Molly had wanted to exchange personal vows, I would have worked with them to make that happen.

But they did not need to.

Personalization does not require turning the bride and groom into the entertainment.

So How Do I Make The Ceremony Deeply Personal?

This is where my approach is very different.

Before the wedding, I ask my couples questions.

What do you love most about each other?

What qualities do you admire?

What do you love doing together?

When did you realize this relationship was different?

Why are you choosing this person to marry?

What has your relationship taught you?

What makes the other person laugh?

What have you overcome together?

Sometimes couples answer me separately by email.

Sometimes they tell me privately.

Other couples prefer to work on their answers together and send them to me.

Then I take what they have shared and create something specifically for them.

I Turn Their Answers Into Their Story

This was the beautiful part of working with Max and Molly.

I was not trying to manufacture emotion.

I was listening for it.

I took the things they shared with me and crafted a heartfelt, inspirational, moving, and memorable speech that I delivered during their Jewish Wedding Ceremony.

Their guests did not hear a generic description of marriage.

They heard Max and Molly.

Their relationship.

Their personalities.

What they saw in each other.

Why they belonged together.

And because I was delivering it, Max and Molly were free to experience the moment rather than worry about performing it.

They did not have to tell 150 people how much they loved each other. They told me, and I transformed their words into part of their wedding story.

This Is Why Getting To Know My Couples Matters

For me, Jewish Wedding Services cannot simply be a collection of ceremonial instructions.

Stand here.

Drink this.

Say this.

Put on the ring.

Break the glass.

Mazel Tov.

That may complete the Jewish Wedding Rituals, but it does not necessarily create an unforgettable ceremony.

I was mentored by a great Jewish wedding Rabbi.

My own approach today combines my work as a Jewish Wedding Cantor, licensed Ontario wedding officiant, singer, storyteller, public speaker, and certified Life Coach.

Every one of those roles contributes something.

As a Cantor, I bring Jewish tradition and Jewish Wedding Music.

As a storyteller and public speaker, I know how to communicate a couple’s story.

As a Life Coach, I listen for the values and deeper meaning underneath what couples tell me.

I do not want your guests simply to witness your ceremony. I want them to understand why the two people beneath the chuppah chose each other.

What If We Actually Want To Exchange Vows?

Then tell me.

This is your wedding.

I believe Jewish Wedding Planning should involve a genuine conversation about what feels meaningful to the couple.

If personal vows matter to you, we can discuss how they can fit naturally into the ceremony.

If you would rather not exchange them, you should not feel your ceremony will somehow be less personal.

In fact, my approach can take tremendous pressure off the couple while still creating an intensely emotional experience.

You get to feel the moment instead of worrying about delivering the moment.

Your Ceremony Deserves As Much Attention As Everything Else

Think about how much time couples spend choosing their Jewish Wedding Venue, Jewish Wedding Photographer, Jewish Wedding Decorations, Jewish Wedding Invitations, and Jewish Wedding Attire.

Then there is the Jewish Wedding Reception, Jewish Wedding Dance, Jewish Wedding Hora, food, flowers, and all the other Jewish Wedding Celebrations.

Those details matter.

But years later, people may not remember the centrepieces.

They may remember a sentence.

They may remember laughing.

They may remember looking at Max and Molly beneath the chuppah and thinking:

“That is so them.”

That is what personalization can accomplish.

Sometimes The Relationship Continues Into The Next Generation

One of the privileges of officiating weddings is sometimes hearing from couples again when their family grows.

They may contact me about a Baby naming ceremony or ask how a Baby naming ceremony Jewish tradition can become personal.

I also provide Jewish Baby Naming Services, Jewish Baby Naming Rituals, a Jewish Newborn Ceremony, other Jewish newborn ceremonies, and serve as a Jewish Baby Naming Officiant.

Families may want help with Jewish Baby Naming Tradition, Jewish Baby Naming Celebration, Jewish Baby Naming Ceremony Planning, a Jewish Baby Naming Invitation, Jewish Baby Naming Ceremony Music, or a Jewish Baby Naming Reception.

I love when the relationship begins with a wedding and continues through future Jewish milestones.

You Do Not Need To Write The Perfect Words

If you are planning a Jewish Wedding Toronto celebration and the idea of writing vows is making you anxious, reach out to me.

Tell me about yourselves.

Tell me how you met.

Tell me what you admire about each other.

Tell me what drives you crazy about each other and still makes you smile.

Tell me why, out of everyone in the world, you are choosing this person.

Then let me do what I love doing.

Let me take your stories, your feelings, your personalities, and your relationship and turn them into words that sound like they could only have been written about you.

Max and Molly did not need to become public speakers to have an incredibly personal wedding.

Neither do you.

Because the goal is not to prove how beautifully you can describe your love.

The goal is to create a ceremony where everyone in the room can feel it.