Let’s Compromise Dear

Brides and grooms schedule meetings with me, a Cantor who performs Jewish wedding ceremonies and they often begin by asking the flow and structure of a Jewish wedding ceremony. They love that I create bespoke and customizable ceremonies to suit their vision. They also often want to speak with me about what makes a successful marriage. How can we , a couple getting married, stack the deck in our favor to help ensure that we have a long marriage full of joy and happiness.

We spoke about compromise in a marriage.

Compromise is a necessary part of any successful marriage. For two people to work together as a team, each person has to give and take once in a while. But truthfully? Many of us have no idea how to compromise.

"Unless we become skilled in the fine art of compromise, our relationship can quickly degrade into feelings of dissatisfaction and discord. Not to mention a disillusioning sense of being all alone in the relationship," says Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. Most people are used to making decisions for themselves and operating independently, but once you commit to a relationship, you have to consider the needs, wants, and happiness of your partner. That holds true even more so when you live together and get married. All that me-centric thinking quickly transforms into considering the "we" that is you and your partner, but it's not always quite so linear or intuitive. It takes work, but this step-by-step guide will help you learn how to compromise in a marriage.

Use "I" statements to communicate to your spouse exactly what you need or want in the relationship. You might say, "I want to live in the city because it's closer to my work, which will cut down on my commute. I also like the excitement of it, and I'm bored here in the suburbs." Or you could say, "I feel ready to start trying to have kids because we're married, financially stable, and my biological clock is ticking." It's important to speak for yourself without making assumptions about your spouse's needs or wants, and also to express what you want and why. This may seem counterintuitive to the concept of thinking as a we, but it's imperative that you don't lose your own sense of identity to it. You have to be able to check in with yourself first and foremost and validate those personal needs and desires.

The bride and groom really appreciated learning about compromise and how planning a Jewish wedding with a cantor / officiant can be so much more than plotting out the flow of a ceremony.